Gazing Through Trees In Sorrow

Put on a gown that touches the ground.

I had a moment earlier this week that was very important to me. I chose the name I'll be referring to myself as when I'm dressed as a woman. It wasn't an easy choice, but I feel like I was thorough in my decision making process. I had to go through a couple first to see what felt right. This one feels very right to me.

My only rule when deciding my new name was that I wanted it to be a real name, not some silly moniker that even I couldn't take seriously, like some crazy names I've heard guys use when they dress as women. It had to be a real name because this is the real me. It's not a phase, it's not a game, it's not something I'm taking lightly.

The very first name I thought of was Sarah. I've always liked that name, and thought it might be fitting. I didn't even give it serious consideration though because I've known a ton of Sarahs in my life.

Next up was Michelle. It is another name I've always liked. I actually mentioned this one to two people, but after a few hours realized that since a very good friend is named Michelle, it may not sit well with her if I started calling myself that.

Next I just made a list of names I really like and thought might fit me. Some of them were Rebecca, Danielle, Amy, Amanda, and, yet again, Sarah. One friend told me Amy was definitely out. Sarah was also quickly dismissed again. Danielle had a little traction, but I was too unsure about it. The last name on that list was the one I ultimately chose.

Emily.

I didn't know for sure right away if Emily was the right match, but I should have. It was the only name I asked my wonderful friend Shannon if she would be comfortable calling me. That alone should have been my sign that it was right, that I was asking someone to use it. But the next day, for the first time in over a month I dressed as a woman, and sent a picture to Shannon. When she actually did call me Emily... My heart nearly burst, I was so happy. That was the moment I knew for sure.

I have only actually announced my choice to one other person, and her reaction was wonderful. She's seen pictures of me dressed as a woman, but has never seen it in person. (Nobody has, actually.) When I told her my name choice, her response was, "I can't wait to meet her and have a drink." So wonderful.

Of course I'm not expecting every response to be positive. That's simply not the way the world works. At some point I'm going to talk about myself to someone and they'll have a negative reaction. It's not something I can avoid forever. I'm very lucky, though, that I have such amazing friends that I can turn to and who have been overwhelmingly supportive. It means so much to me, both as Larry and as Emily.

Title and header today are from "See Emily Play" by Pink Floyd.