I have realized lately that if I were to live as Emily full time, I would never be able to speak to most of my family again. Maybe not any of them at all. That is such a sad feeling, knowing that I would be more alone than I've ever been. Yes, I would have the love and support of some people, but losing the love and support of my family would be absolutely devastating. My dad, especially, would be unlikely to ever speak to me again if he knew about my current level of cross dressing and my deep down desires to be a woman.
Just as I was typing the above sentence, my dad sent me yet another meme making fun of Caitlyn Jenner. He sends at least three a week, along with several each week ripping on gay marriage, and often other offensive memes. How do I deal with his ignorant bullshit without exposing the real me? Hell if I know. This is what I'm up against, though. This is why I feel so completely trapped.
My father isn't the only person who I would have to stop taking to. My mom, most of my aunts uncles and cousins, and a very large percentage of my friends would all completely shun me. My sisters and many of my other friends might possibly be accepting down the road, but not for a long time. I can honestly say the are only about a dozen people I care about who would be mostly accepting of me long term.
But still I hold out hope.
I hope one day I can truly be myself. I hope I can live my life without fear of rejection. I hope for so many things...
So many things.
Title today is from "Long Day" by Matchbox Twenty.
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