I Climb The Walls Of My Mind

I haven't been in a very great place mentally lately which is surely not a surprise to anybody. Or maybe it is. I've gotten better at hiding it, it seems. One major issue is that I haven't been on my meds in a long, long time, so I finally decided to remedy that. I went to my psychiatrist last week for the first time in over a year, and she has altered my meds a bit. So, you know, fingers crossed and shit.

During the conversation with my psychiatrist I told her how I've been struggling with my gender identity, as well as about being a cross dresser. She admitted she has no expertise in this area but steered me in a few directions to get some help, or guidance, or whatever you want to call it.

The first thing she gave me was the name of a psychiatrist who specializes in LGBT issues, as well as sexual/intimacy issues. (My current psychiatrist doesn't know I'm having problems in that area, I just noticed it when I looked up the new doc.) I've already decided I'm no longer going to see the other counselor I'd been seeing, because of the way she seemed less and less like someone I feel comfortable talking to. Hopefully with this new psychiatrist being someone who focuses in the areas she does, I'll finally be able to get some help that is actually useful.

The other bit of information she gave me was about a support group for cross dressers and their spouses, family, and friends. From reading the information in their website, I'm very torn, for several reasons.

First, I feel this is exactly the kind of group I need, to help me understand more about myself. The website describes the setup of the meetings, which seem designed to enable a lot of socialization. There is an initial social period followed by dinner, then a speaker, then another social period at the end. In reading some of the testimonials it seems these social periods are the most important parts of the meetings.

The meetings also require that, well, the men be dressed as women. This is where I become torn. Other than panties, which I wear nearly daily at this point, I've only worn any female clothing out of the house a couple times - I've worn tights/leggings/whatever to work two times, and one day back in February, when my wife was in Kansas and I was off work a few days, I wore one of her negligees to the library, the mall, and the grocery store. But in each of those cases everything was concealed and nobody knew what was under my clothes.

I don't know if I'd be able to wear a dress or skirt in one of these meetings, even with knowing the other men in attendance would be in drag as well. The idea of dressing up in public gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I'm just not sure if I can do it.

The other issue is that I don't think I'd be able to go alone. With my wife being completely uncomfortable with the idea of seeing me dressed as a woman, I can all but guarantee she would not be willing to go to one of these meetings. I couldn't ask any of my friends to go either, so that would leave me going alone. Being alone would mean I'd have to rely on myself to interact during the social periods of the meetings, and that's simply not going to happen because I am absolutely terrible in social settings, unless I'm the right amount of drunk, right before I become obnoxious.

All that being said, all anxiety and inhibitions aside, I am going to attempt to attend a meeting by the end of the year. I feel it would benefit me immensely. Even if I only end up attending one meeting, I need to at least try it.

Today's title is from "Crazy" by Barenaked Ladies. It's a good song. You should check it out.