The Woman From Pennsylvania

My very first post on this blog was about a man from California, and how a lunchtime conversation helped change the way I look at things, even if it was only for a short while. So I felt it fitting to have my final post of 2015 be somewhat similar.

I had a lot of reservations about doing group therapy. My first instinct was to just bullshit my way through the 5 week program and just do whatever I had to do so I could go back to work. Now that I'm a little over half way through the program, I feel so lucky that I'm going through it, and giving it as much as I can.

I never intended to mention being molested, or my gender identity struggles. Yet I've been able, at times, to speak somewhat openly about the gender identity, and have at least mentioned being molested. I've even taken to wearing hair clips a couple times, like today.

The first week of group I didn't really say much. The first day the only thing I remember saying was when I was introduced and had to say why I was there. The second day I had to miss because one of the boys was sick and couldn't go to school. The third day, I think the only time I spoke was when I did my daily check-in thing.

Week 2 started off much the same. But a twist came along. Either Monday or Tuesday of that second week, I mentioned feeling socially awkward, as well as how I felt my wife and I are inevitably headed toward divorcing. During one break, a woman who had been in the hospital with me after Thanksgiving, and had started group a couple days after me, came over and tried taking to me about divorcing, how she and her husband are currently separated and if I needed to talk she'd be willing to listen. The whole time she talked to me (which was nearly the entire 15 minute break) my body was super tense and I just wanted to crawl inside myself, the anxiety was so high. During the other break, this young woman from Pennsylvania, who sat directly across from me, came over, and said she, too, suffered from social anxiety and felt socially awkward, and we could talk if I wanted. Same thing. My body was extremely tense, and I just wanted to disappear.

A funny thing happened, though. The next day (or maybe two days later, not sure, but I'm pretty sure it was the next day) I switched where I sat, and chose to sit next to the woman from Pennsylvania, a small table between us.

Over the past couple weeks, she and I have talked pretty frequently. It started off somewhat awkward - one day, we had to pair off to do our daily check-in, then report on each other. She and I were partners, and after going through our checklists we sat silently, as the other pairs around the room chatted casually and freely.

Ever since then, though, our conversations have been more and more casual. It doesn't feel awkward to me, and I believe she feels the same. We are almost always the first two in the room for group, and have a few minutes to chat. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't, and it's OK. Neither of us pressures the other into conversation just for conversation's sake. When we talk, we're both usually pretty engaged in the conversation. (I'll admit, since the most recent adjustment of my meds, I'm finding it hard to focus again. I'm getting distracted way too easily.)

Today after group, we even stood outside and talked for a few minutes. If my car hadn't been so embarrassingly dirty (a bunch of food crumbs all over the passenger seat, mostly. I need to vacuum) I would have offered her a ride home, since her car is in the shop.

I'm not looking forward to Monday. My friend, the woman from Pennsylvania, will be finishing the program and going home. I'm happy for her, and wish all the best for her, but the selfish side of me wants her to finish when I do, so I can have someone to talk to the next couple weeks.

If it hadn't been for the woman from Pennsylvania, I don't know if I would have allowed myself to accept and embrace group therapy as I have. She has done as much for me the past few weeks as any of my therapists. While the man from California had a fleeting impact on my life that only lasted a day or two, I feel the impact from the woman from Pennsylvania is going to be much deeper, last much longer. I am so very glad we met, and although there is a possibility we will never see each other again after Monday, I'm certain we will continue to email, continue to learn about each other, continue to be friends. I cannot wait to see what her future holds.