And The Smile, And The Shake Of Your Head

Your trust, the most gorgeously stupid thing I ever cut in the world.

I've been trying to write all day but couldn't figure out what to write about. Now that I've got something to say, I don't actually want to say it. I've certainly learned over the past week that it might just be better to keep my fucking mouth shut. Just seems safer that way.

I've come to see now that I was a fool to let my walls down. I need to just go back to being the quiet guy who simply comes to work, does his job, goes home and doesn't say jack shit to anyone. Granted, yes, at this job I haven't been that version of myself too often. But that is how I've been the majority of my life, it's how I need to be again, and too damn bad if it hurts anyone's feelings.

I've let myself get hurt far too much lately. I know I'm an insanely sensitive person, but that doesn't make it any less real when my feelings get spanked around. It's simply safer to push people away and protect myself. So that's what I'm going to do. I can't keep worrying about upsetting someone else at the risk of my own well-being.

I've been completely unable to reign in my emotions tonight. For about nine hours now all I've wanted to do is cry. Actually, I did at one point. Locked myself in the bathroom at work and cried for about 5 minutes. That's how deep the pain was for a while there. Then I started punching railings and cement walls as I walked around the hospital, because I just wanted a different kind of pain for a while. So yay, now my hand hurts like hell and I still feel like a god damned idiot. Go me.

I guess in the end I should've seen a night like tonight coming. A very huge disappointment that crushed me, if I'm being perfectly honest, followed a couple hours later by proof of how much I've been betrayed, and by how many people. If I'd just trusted my instincts with several people, I probably wouldn't feel anywhere near the way I do, and I'd probably still be happy at work. Instead, I feel like a complete asshole, and don't even want to show my face there anymore because I almost feel like I've been the butt of quite a few jokes there. Fuck that. I don't almost feel that way. I absolutely fucking feel that way. I'm almost ashamed to show my stupid face in that pharmacy any more, and in the end I have nobody to blame but myself because I fucked up.

I trusted people.

Title/subtitle from "A Night Like This" by The Cure.