A Year In The Life

One year ago, at this very moment, I was curled up in a ball on a flat, thin, uncomfortable hospital mattress, sobbing as quietly as I could while I tried to accept my surroundings. It was the lowest point of the lowest year of my life, a year I've pretended I can't remember anything about, when in reality there's so much I can't forget.

The past 366 days have been among the best of my life. I won't pretend I haven't had bad days the past year. Of course I have. So have you. For the first time in my life, though, I'm handling the bad days. I'm not dwelling on those things I can't control. I'm not letting one minor incident ruin my mood for hours, or days, or weeks, as I've done in the past.

For the first time in so long, I can honestly say I'm happy. I'm working on myself every minute of every day, trying to be the best version of me there is. Because, let's face it, the old version really wasn't a whole lot of fun to be around. Thank you to those who put up with that shit. I owe you so much.

So, where do I go from here?

Well, for one thing, I'm going to go on an extended hiatus from this blog. I know I've been inconsistent updating it anyway, but I'm formally departing for the time being. Perhaps permanently, at least from this specific blog, we'll see.

Second, the choir I joined has been so much fun, and just what I needed - something to look forward to every week. I'll definitely be continuing that.

Other than that, I really don't know what I'll be doing. I've started painting again, kind of. Maybe I'll get more serious with that. I've also been learning Irish and brushing up on Spanish, and have been having a really good time doing that, as well.

Time to go, my dears.

Hopefully the next year is better than this one has been. That's a lot to ask for, but it would be amazing.

Emily out.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

When my wife and I had been dating less than a year, we were put in a position where we ended up taking in her youngest sibling, her sister Kayla. That was an insane first year of our relationship - we met in February, moved in together in June, got engaged on the wife's birthday in November, and a week later suddenly had a 15 year old girl to take care of. Kayla lived with us for about a year and a half, and it was certainly an adventure.

About four years ago, Kayla told me that when she gets married, she wants me to walk her down the aisle. Her dad (different dad than Holley) is not in her life at all, and I naturally expected her to ask one of her brothers. I was completely floored when she said she wanted me to do it, and beyond flattered.

Fast forward a few years.

When I went into the hospital last year, Kayla spent most of that weekend here with Holley, trying to help any way she could, and Holley ended up telling Kayla about everything that was going on with me, from the depression to being molested to the suicidal thoughts and behaviors and finally the gender identity issues.

Kayla has turned into one of my biggest allies, being far more supportive than even Holley. She was the one who did my makeup a few weeks after I got out of the hospital, gave me a bunch of makeup, and gave me my tutu. I know that any time I am feeling shitty, I can text her and she'll do whatever I need. Usually I just need someone to listen to me vent, and she's great at that, doesn't try to dominate the conversation or change my mind. She just listens.

Labor Day weekend, while Holley was camping in southern Ohio, I went to visit Kayla. We were in her bedroom chatting, and I told her one of the only negatives to eventually completely transitioning is that I wouldn't be able to walk her down the aisle.

We were at a wedding tonight for a girl Kayla went to high school with, and who spent a lot of time at our house when Kayla lived with us.

Toward the end of the night, Kayla pulled me aside, and said, "I don't give a shit how you look, I still want you to walk me down the aisle."

I honestly don't know how I held back the tears.

Words

I am now 13 days into hormone therapy. Estrogen and spironolactone coursing through my veins.

I wish I was happier about it, but I've been so trapped in my own head thinking about other things that I'm not letting myself enjoy the highs and work through the lows, although the current low is hard to ignore - a massive headache that's going on its forth day.

I wish I could let the muffled voice in my head shout as loud as it's trying to, and let the happiness that's inside there show.

Spoiler: I can't let myself be happy. It's apparently not my style.

Stop

I've been feeling so good lately. Happy, even, more often than not.

Then there are days like today.

Days when nothing feels right, mentally or physically.

I just wish it would end, already. I can't take this shit.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

My wife has, on several recent occasions, made me doubt my desire to transition. One of these occasions was when we were on vacation, in Ocean Isle Beach, NC. We were at the beach, and she asked if transitioning is what I really want, or if my therapist put it in my head over the past few months.

She got in my head so bad that for three days, all I thought about was what she said.  it was infuriating, and confusing, and troubling.

Finally, two nights before we left to come home, I just walked away.

I walked over to the ocean at 11:30 at night. No light, no companions. Just me, a blanket, a billion stars, and the sound of the surf.

And, of course, my thoughts.

8 months ago, there is no way I could have laid on an empty beach, in the middle of the night, alone with my thoughts. I would've been much too afraid of myself.

This might be obvious, but as I stared into the stars for over an hour, having a hundred internal conversations, I realized that I don't want to transition.

I need to transition.

Every nerve in my body, every thought in my head that night told me this is the right decision. I've never had more clarity in a subject in my life.

Now, I just get to wait. And wait. And wait.

Ugh

Lately something very strange has been happening. Every time I come here to write a post, my mind goes blank. I'll have something specific I want to write about, but as soon as I open the page, completely gone. It's very disheartening.

Hopefully soon I'll be able to write again.

Some Things Slide By So Carefully

The past two days have been absolutely amazing. I haven't stopped smiling, and I've been in the best mood I've been in for at least a couple years. The funny thing about it?

I have no idea why.

I couldn't tell you what has caused this sudden giddiness.

The best part of it is that I'm not digging into it. I'm not searching for answers or obsessing, and that makes me even happier. I'm also not allowing myself to ruin this mood. I'm not fixating on anything negative.

This morning we went to a silent auction at my oldest son's school. One of the items was a basket full of baking items. It had 8 different pans, a cookie sheet, and a bunch of other stuff. The total value was $90, and as bidding closed, the highest bid was $32. I was all set to make my move and put in a $33 bid at the last second, but I got distracted by some kids running past, and didn't get to bid in time.

Three months ago - hell, maybe even three weeks ago - this would have sent my mood spiraling downward. I would have kept telling myself how stupid I was, how big a failure. I would have run myself through the ringer.

It didn't bother me at all today. It rolled off, I went about my day, and I kept smiling.

Title is from "Smile Like You Mean It" by The Killers

Random Thoughts

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.” - Sir Winston Churchill.

I finished group therapy yesterday. It surprises yet delights me how much I'll miss it, since I had such a negative outlook going in.

I'll begin the next stage of this healing process Monday when I go to work for the first time in two months. There's a lot of anxiety building, but I have enough of a support system now that I don't have to rely upon only two or three people when I need help. It's better for them, so I don't burn them out. It's also better for me, so I can get differing points of view on issues. So, win-win!!

I've been seeing a therapist since I got out of the hospital, and she's incredible. So much so that last week, for just our fifth session, I felt comfortable enough to go to the appointment in a dress. Left the house in it, without covering it with jeans, as I'd done the week before, when I wore it to group. I've rarely, if ever, been more proud of myself.

Since leaving the hospital, I haven't had a single good day home by myself. Every single one has had some sort of incident take place where I've freaked out. Today, that finally changed. The kids and the basement dwelling troll are home, and the wife is on the way. I finally had a day alone without a meltdown.

Goodnight, friends. Just wanted to do a quick post since it's been a week since I last posted

You And Me, We Got This You And Me, We're Beautiful

It's my goal to have this blog become not only more forward thinking, but also more positive. Also, in case you've missed it, I've changed the title and headers for the overall blog. Far more fitting I think.

Last Monday, my friend Ell (the lovely doll formerly known as the woman from Pennsylvania) had her last day at group. It was a super sad day for me because speaking to her was my favorite part of group every day, even if we only spoke a few moments.

I don't know why it became so pressing for me out of nowhere, but the weekend before she left I decided it was extremely important to have her see me in a dress in person before she left. So her last day in group, I wore my new blue dress, a blue bra, black tights, and red panties to group, under my jeans and t-shirt. She, being the sweet compassionate woman she is, offered to wear a dress as well, to help me feel comfortable.

After group, we went to some restrooms down the hall. She changed first, and then I stepped into the men's room, stripped off the jeans and t-shirt, and together we walked out of the hospital in dresses.  It was easily one of the proudest moments of my life, and I was so happy to be sharing it with Ell.

In addition to helping me find the courage to be in a dress in public, Ell also gave me several other gifts. She gave me two lipsticks - one a beautiful burgundy that is going to look amazing with my gray dress and burgundy and black knee socks, the other a vibrant gorgeous Fuck Me red. She also gave me four CDs, which are what the rest of this post will focus on.

First, the packaging. Ell didn't have any empty CD sleeves available, so she made some out of paper. Very few gifts have ever been as touching. On each envelope, instead of writing the tracks on the discs, she wrote beautiful quotes, every one of which has touched me in its own way. The tracks are listed on an index card inside the envelopes.

The first two CDs came together. They are two discs of Yo-Yo Ma performing Bach cello suites. I had mentioned in a conversation about a week previously that I enjoyed the cello very much, and here were two albums worth of cello. Beautiful. The quote on this envelope was: "Beauty is whatever gives joy." - Edna St Vincent.

Next was an album Ell had titled, "The Way We Get By: A Progression." It is a lot of inspirational music mostly by men, and by many artists I'd never heard of. There is one track, "Anxiety Attack" by Catalina Ferro, that is excellent. I've never been big on slam poetry, and won't be changing my mind after listening to this. Yet, I thought it was excellent, and it's always the first track I skip to when I put this CD on.

Toward the end of the album is a poem set to music that is brilliant beyond description. It is called "Instructions For A Bad Day" by Shane Koyczan. If you only click on one of the links I put in any of these posts, make this one the one you click. It is absolutely amazing. I listened to it on repeat yesterday the entire 50 minute drive home from group. It's something I've also been listening to when anxiety is kicking my ass, to help me calm down.

The quote on the envelope for this CD is: "If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit." - Shane Koyczan.

The final album is entitled "She Don't Stop" and highlights female singers. On the note card that lists the songs, Ell wrote, "These might not be your type of music, but I thought you might appreciate some feminine energy." Oh, sweet woman, you have no clue how much I appreciate the feminine energy on this album. I have listened to this album at least once a day since she gave it to me, and only skip two songs. (Adele, because even though I really like her, she's so completely overplayed, and Beyonce, because I just really don't like her.)

I had heard of far more artists on this album. Ingrid Michaelson is one of my favorite female singers, Fleetwood Mac are legends, I used to listen to Fiona Apple a lot. Then there are Sara Bareilles, Amy Winehouse, Anna Kendrick, and Alabama Shakes, who I've at least heard of, if not heard. Plus, as noted, Adele and Beyonce.

Other than the Adele and Beyonce songs, I have really grown to like many of these songs a lot. I think my favorite so far on this album is a song called "Wild" by Royal Teeth. The Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson songs are also exceptional, these three songs creating a great start to the album.

The envelope for this CD had three quotes instead of one, all of which I like a lot. They are all from Cheryl Strayed.

"Hello, fear. Thank you for being here. You're my indication that I'm doing what I need to do."

"What's on the other side of the tiny gigantic revolution in which you move from loathing to loving your own skin? What fruits would that particular liberation bear?"

"You don't have to be young. You don't have to be thin. You don't have to be 'hot' in a way that some dumfuckedly narrow mindset has construed that word... You have to find a way to inhabit your body while enacting your deepest desires. You have to be brave enough to build the intimacy you deserve. You have to take all of your clothes off and say, I'm right here."

I have to say it again. I am so grateful Ell and I have become friends. It's so nice when someone "gets" me. The only other people I feel get me as much are Tracy, Shannon, and my friend Amanda from work. Other people try, and I will always be thankful for that. These four, though, excel.

Title from "Afterlife" by Ingrid Michaelson (This is another amazing video you should definitely check out)

A Letter.

I've written hundreds of thousands of words in my lifetime. None of them were as important as the ones below. It's the thing I'm most proud of writing, and I feel like I'm finally in a position where I'm comfortable sharing it. This is what I wrote to the Ohio Parole Board when Mark was up for parole in 2014.

Members Of the Parole Review Board,

My name is ______________, and I am writing regarding the parole hearing of inmate _______, Mark ______.

I first became a victim of Mr ______ in 1989, when I was 14 years old. For the next four years, I was subjected to continuous sexual and physical abuse, and emotional manipulation. For four long years I allowed myself to be tormented by this monster.

Mr ______could argue that I willingly moved in with him after I turned 18. He would be accurate in that argument, to an extent. The closest thing I know of to compare my situation to is the Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know if it's the correct comparison, but it's all I know.

The truth is, I was deathly afraid of Mr ______. He repeatedly warned me during the course of the four years he abused me that if I ever left him, or ever reported him to the authorities, he would hurt me in ways I couldn't imagine.

It is because of this fear, this intimidation, that I was too afraid to testify against Mr ______ when he was finally arrested.

For twenty years I have regretted that decision.

Through countless hours of counseling, hundreds of dollars spent on antidepressants and antianxiety medications, and a failed suicide attempt, I feel like I have suffered enough. The emotional damage that would be done to me if Mr ______ were to be released would be immeasurable.

Mr ______ abused and molested me in a very calculated and strategic manner. His planned evil behaviors were not impulsive acts. It is clear he thoughtfully and carefully strategized how, when, and where he would assault his victims. During the four years Mr ______ abused me, he told me in an almost bragging manner about people he abused before me and during the same time period as me. I am aware of the numerous lives he severely impacted, including several mentally and/or physically handicapped students who had the misfortune of riding the bus Mr ______ drove when working as a bus driver for the _________ school district. He habitually sought victims who he deemed weak, such as myself, or those who had no way of telling on him, such as the unfortunate handicapped children.

Mr ______'s actions and choices speak to the core of his character: devious, self-serving, fraudulently manipulative - essentially, a psychopath.

I am aware Mr ______ was sentenced to a maximum of fifty years of incarceration. If justice is to be served to myself and the numerous other vulnerable victims, I plead that Mr ______ serve his full fifty years sentence. Releasing him earlier would not only be an injustice to all of his victims, it would also put potential new victims in harms way. While sexual offender monitoring has certainly improved in the past twenty years, a calculated sub-human of Mr _____'s make up will never allow others around him to be safe. He WILL find a way to beat the system, I assure you.

I respectfully request the State Board of Parole deny Mr ______ his current and any future bids for freedom and that he be held fully accountable for his crimes. The 25 years I have had to live with the issues that stemmed from being his victim have not been enough time for me to heal. Twenty years in prison cannot have been enough time for a serial child molester to make amends for one victim. Let alone the countless victims this monster victimized.

I thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope I have been able to provide insight in this matter.

Thank you,
________