I need to write more often. It keeps me sane. My biggest issue right now is simply finding time, and that won't be getting better any time soon. I am off work today, then have to work eleven consecutive days before heading to New York for a wedding. But enough belly aching.
One of my main reasons for beginning this blog was to get my thoughts sorted out in regards to my cross dressing behavior. Yet after nearly two months and 16 posts I have yet to address it, really. So, what the hell... No time like the present, right?
(For the record, I am not counting the two times I've dressed as a woman for Halloween in this discussion. Those were simply costumes, and not done for any other reason.)
The first time I remember ever wearing any women's clothing was in high school. My parents and sisters were visiting my grandparents, so I put on a pair of my mom's pantyhose. I'd always wondered what they felt like, and remember being disappointed, but don't remember exactly why I felt disappointed.
That disappointment led to me not even considering wearing women's clothes for almost 15 years. The next time I tried anything girly on was when my wife was still my fiancé, and her younger sister lived with us. Her sister was a cheerleader, and one day while they were gone, I put on the cheerleading outfit. This time I was not disappointed by how I felt, but I was extremely confused.
First, I was confused as to why I even wanted to put this tiny skirt and tight top on in the first place. What was making me suddenly say, "You know, my life is too normal. I need to see what it feels like to dress like an 18 year old cheerleader for a few minutes"? What the actual fuck?
Second I was confused that I kind of liked it a bit. It really wasn't surprising, but still was confusing.
Again, it was a few years before I did any more cross dressing.
The next time I did it, my wife and I were at a Halloween party, three years ago. She and her girlfriend had both dressed as burlesque dancers, and both looked delicious. At one point in the evening, my wife came up to me and stuck her panties in my pocket. About a half hour later, her friend did the same. Naturally I became very intrigued. A few minutes later, the girlfriend dared me to go inside and put on either of their panties.
I must clarify at this point, I had never discussed my curiosity about cross dressing with anyone at this point, even my wife. So why my wife and her friend decided I'd be OK with their little game that night is still a mystery.
I went into the house and chose the girlfriend's panties to wear, simply because she's a little bigger than my wife, and they fit better.
Ever since that night I have absolutely been a cross dresser. I loved the way the silky, lacy fabric felt on my skin. I liked that I suddenly felt sexy for the first time I could remember. I wanted to feel that way more often.
My wife was not very accepting of me wearing panties at first. I think she felt threatened by it, especially because her girlfriend was immediately accepting and even bought me the first pair of panties I owned, these cute red lace things that make my ass look amazing. It's been almost three years and I've yet to find another pair that make my ass look that good.
Eventually my wife came around and not only became accepting of the idea of me in panties, she's even bought me a few pairs. However, she kind of misinterprets why I wear them. She seems to think I wear them to be, for lack of a better term, a "sissy." She has even, on several occasions, been somewhat demeaning in her comments. I was changing one day several weeks ago, and was wearing a pair of light blue boy shorts. She started calling me her little bitch, her girly boy, things like that. I didn't take it very well at all, but as is my nature I didn't say anything (and still haven't.)
I've mentioned in at least one other post that my wife is unaware of the extent of my cross dressing. She has told me several times that she wouldn't be comfortable seeing me in dresses or skirts. This is the biggest source of conflict for me, because whenever I get the chance to wear full outfits instead of just panties, I feel better about myself than any other time.
I've got to figure out a way to talk to her about it. I need to at least attempt to ease her concerns, which are unfounded. (For instance, one of her biggest concerns is that by dressing as a woman I'll suddenly lose interest in women and become gay. Not even close to true.)
And it's becoming more and more obvious to me that I need to not drink around people. I went to the bar with some coworkers Thursday and when there was only one other person left, I spilled everything to her about this. She was cool about it, but still. I need to just shut my face sometimes.
One other thing that's been on my mind lately is that since I started this blog I haven't dressed in drag a single time. I've still worn panties, but no skirts, dresses, leggings, thigh highs, etc. I don't know if there's a direct correlation between the two or not, but it's certainly something I've thought about quite frequently.
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I've kind of lost steam on this post, because today was an emotionally draining day, which I'll address soon. As I said, though, the next 11 days I work, then going to upstate New York for a wedding. I'll get to it though.
Also, I am taking the advice of a friend and starting a second blog. It will be strictly for the erotic stories I write, so I won't be putting a link on this page. If you're interested in reading it once it's up, drop me a line and I'll send you the link.
The title of this post is from Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams. It's not really relevant, I just like that line.
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