Warning: This post talks about sex. A lot. Some of it may be a bit too much for some of you, but I hope you'll all still at least try to read it. I honestly thought about keeping this a very bland analytical post, but honestly that would be a disservice to me as writer just as much as it would be to you as reader. So some of this may get graphic - I don't know quite which direction I'm going to go with it yet - but it will definitely not be graphic simply for shock value or just to be rude. If it's there it's to serve a purpose. I'm also probably going to use a lot of indelicate language, because let's face it, saying "blow job" is a lot more fun and honest than "oral sex." Oh, and there's a reason the quote in the title stopped where it did. On with the show.
I was having a discussion last night and this morning with a friend, and was telling her how exhausted I am from the crazy work schedule I've had this week. At one point she jokingly made a comment suggesting that my exhaustion was due do too much sex with my wife, at which point I admitted something I don't really admit to anyone - I don't actually like sex.
This will come to a surprise to a lot of people who know me, because I am a massive pervert and talk about sexual things quite often. But talking about sex, writing my erotic short stories, and flirting with people hides the fact that I generally dislike the actual act of having sex.
I like the idea of sex quite a bit. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Hell, I've even had very vivid fantasies about at least a dozen women at work in the past week alone. But fooling around with them in my daydreams is way more appealing to me than the thought of actually physically doing anything with any of them. And that is not some kind of "I'm married so it can only be fantasy" kind of thing, because we've had some extramarital fun and I still didn't give a damn about sex. (More on that later, I'm sure.)
Obviously my earliest sexual experiences probably have a lot to do with my feelings toward the act now. The very first blowjob I ever got from a girl (no clue what her name was) was when I was 16. She used her teeth so much that i was actually bleeding in at least five spots (I even still have scars in two spots). I told her multiple times to quit because it hurt, yet she kept going, a little bundle of enthusiasm and incisors. She kept telling me it was fine. It was supposed to feel that way. I may have been a completely inexperienced teenager who had only been sucked off by a middle aged man, but even I knew that I wasn't supposed to be bleeding. I sometimes wish I knew that chick's name so I could find her and tell her she's an asshole. Unfortunately we met at a party and it's the only time I've ever seen her. Oh well.
Because of that girl, as well as Mark and all that crap, I have never liked getting blowjobs. I met my first real girlfriend about three months after that party, and she insisted on giving me head. I finally let her do it, on night in the middle of my dad's front yard (he has a huge unlit front yard and we were about a hundred yards from the house, another fifty or sixty from the street). I didn't enjoy a second of it, even though there were no teeth involved, but she seemed to enjoy herself, so that's really all that matters.
Over the years, several women I've dated or hooked up with have been completely fine with not blowing me so it really hasn't been much of an issue. Most women, though, get upset for some reason when I say I'm not into it. I find that somewhat amusing, because there's kind of always been this message put out that women don't enjoy giving head, yet most women I've slept with have pretty much insisted on doing it. It's just kind of baffling.
When my wife and I first met, she was one of those who insisted on doing it. When we were discussing it, I mentioned to her how no woman had ever gotten me off by blowing me (she already knew about Mark so the "no woman" part didn't surprise her). She actually took this as some weird kind of personal mission, that she absolutely had to get me off with a blowjob. Her determination paid off, as she was successful, but it still didn't change the fact that I don't like blowjobs, which disappointed her quite a bit because she loves doing it. This was actually one of the biggest factors that led to us having our extramarital fun. (Again, more on that later.)
I do find it odd that with as much as I dislike sex, and hate blowjobs, I enjoy going down on a woman more than anything in the bedroom. I could eat a woman out for hours and love every second of it. The irony? My wife hates that about as much as I hate blowjobs. She also isn't a fan of my other major fetish either - feet. I love feet and she can't stand to have hers touched, even for a foot rub. It's really quite sad. (Hmm... Maybe one of these days I'll just write an entire post about fetishes. That could be fun.)
While blowjobs have never done much for me, actual intercourse has at times been something I enjoy very much, but usually in less than normal situations. When I lost my virginity, for example, I was 17 and the woman was 25 or 26. I still remember she didn't believe I was actually a virgin because I lasted for well over an hour. While she and I never hooked up again, I still look back fondly on our night together as being very enjoyable. The next time I had sex, however, was about six months later and it was the first time where I really didn't feel anything at all afterward, positive or negative. It was with a girl who was about a year younger than me that I went to school with, and it ended up ruining our friendship because neither of us really knew how to deal with the aftermath. We weren't dating, it was just a random hookup at a party she was hosting, and it just created way too much awkwardness between us.
The times that I have really enjoyed sex, as I said, where in less than normal or ideal situations. My ex-fiance Missy (who I am working on a rather lengthy post about) and I had a pretty decent sex life during our 7 years together, especially once we began introducing other people into the mix. Whether we were being joined by another woman, playing this hybrid strip poker/truth or dare game with a married couple we knew, or I was watching her with my best friend, there was always something different going on. After she and I broke up, the first two women I had flings with were both married, and that sex was outstanding. The first was a woman around my age and we only hooked up twice, and I would have given everything I had at that time to get her to leave her husband for me. The second woman was much older than me - I was 28, she was 56 - and we slept together at least twice a week for almost a year. I didn't particularly like her as a person, but the sex was absolutely amazing.
Which brings us up to the wifey. When we first met I flat out told her, before we even met in person, that I was not interested in a monogamous sex life, regardless of what level our relationship went to, and she was completely fine with that. When we first started dating we went to the fetish balls held at various bars in Cleveland. They are held monthly, with two major annual events, one held at Halloween and the other usually around Easter. While there is no nudity allowed at these events, the definition of the word nudity is definitely pushed to its limits. Women commonly walk around with nothing but a tiny g-string covering the naughty bits, and electrical tape covering their nipples. Men are usually much more modest at these events, but have been known to be nearly nude as well.
Through these fetish balls we met some single women as well as other couples who were open to fooling around with us, but most of these ended up being dead ends, as we would make plans and sometimes even get together, but some spark would be missing and nothing physical would happen. While I would normally sympathize with my wife's disappointment, inside I would be more or less unaffected. There was one woman we would usually hang out with at these events that my wife has had a bit of a relationship with for the past decade and who we still see on a fairly regular basis, but other than her we don't talk to anyone from that scene anymore.
The time I've enjoyed sex the most in my life so far was the period of about three years before our first son was born. There are several bars in and around Cleveland that are swinger clubs, and for nearly three years we belonged to one of them. We would go to this club almost every weekend, usually both Friday and Saturday. We hooked up with several other couples, but for the most part I got my enjoyment from watching the wifey with other people, either gender. There were quite a few times where I didn't participate in any way shape or form, and I actually preferred it that way. She could hand out blowjobs like they were candy, fool around with other people, then we would go home and have some great sex. It kind of worked out perfectly. Then came kids, and it was like turning off a lamp - one weekend we were at the club like usual, that Wednesday we found out she was pregnant, and we just never went back.
Since then, we have only had sex once, maybe twice, every three months or so. And it is completely because I just don't want it. When I got my dick pierced a few years ago, once it healed there was a period of about three months or so where we were fucking like rabbits again, but other than that it's been very infrequent. When I get my second piercing (finally!!!!) on October 1st (the anniversary of the first piercing) perhaps we will have another several month period where we have sex more often. I hope so, simply because my wife enjoys sex about as much as a 16 year old boy - she wants it all the time. Hopefully I'll be able to accommodate her for a while.
Title today is obviously from "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot.
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