It's my goal to have this blog become not only more forward thinking, but also more positive. Also, in case you've missed it, I've changed the title and headers for the overall blog. Far more fitting I think.
Last Monday, my friend Ell (the lovely doll formerly known as the woman from Pennsylvania) had her last day at group. It was a super sad day for me because speaking to her was my favorite part of group every day, even if we only spoke a few moments.
I don't know why it became so pressing for me out of nowhere, but the weekend before she left I decided it was extremely important to have her see me in a dress in person before she left. So her last day in group, I wore my new blue dress, a blue bra, black tights, and red panties to group, under my jeans and t-shirt. She, being the sweet compassionate woman she is, offered to wear a dress as well, to help me feel comfortable.
After group, we went to some restrooms down the hall. She changed first, and then I stepped into the men's room, stripped off the jeans and t-shirt, and together we walked out of the hospital in dresses. It was easily one of the proudest moments of my life, and I was so happy to be sharing it with Ell.
In addition to helping me find the courage to be in a dress in public, Ell also gave me several other gifts. She gave me two lipsticks - one a beautiful burgundy that is going to look amazing with my gray dress and burgundy and black knee socks, the other a vibrant gorgeous Fuck Me red. She also gave me four CDs, which are what the rest of this post will focus on.
First, the packaging. Ell didn't have any empty CD sleeves available, so she made some out of paper. Very few gifts have ever been as touching. On each envelope, instead of writing the tracks on the discs, she wrote beautiful quotes, every one of which has touched me in its own way. The tracks are listed on an index card inside the envelopes.
The first two CDs came together. They are two discs of Yo-Yo Ma performing Bach cello suites. I had mentioned in a conversation about a week previously that I enjoyed the cello very much, and here were two albums worth of cello. Beautiful. The quote on this envelope was: "Beauty is whatever gives joy." - Edna St Vincent.
Next was an album Ell had titled, "The Way We Get By: A Progression." It is a lot of inspirational music mostly by men, and by many artists I'd never heard of. There is one track, "Anxiety Attack" by Catalina Ferro, that is excellent. I've never been big on slam poetry, and won't be changing my mind after listening to this. Yet, I thought it was excellent, and it's always the first track I skip to when I put this CD on.
Toward the end of the album is a poem set to music that is brilliant beyond description. It is called "Instructions For A Bad Day" by Shane Koyczan. If you only click on one of the links I put in any of these posts, make this one the one you click. It is absolutely amazing. I listened to it on repeat yesterday the entire 50 minute drive home from group. It's something I've also been listening to when anxiety is kicking my ass, to help me calm down.
The quote on the envelope for this CD is: "If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit." - Shane Koyczan.
The final album is entitled "She Don't Stop" and highlights female singers. On the note card that lists the songs, Ell wrote, "These might not be your type of music, but I thought you might appreciate some feminine energy." Oh, sweet woman, you have no clue how much I appreciate the feminine energy on this album. I have listened to this album at least once a day since she gave it to me, and only skip two songs. (Adele, because even though I really like her, she's so completely overplayed, and Beyonce, because I just really don't like her.)
I had heard of far more artists on this album. Ingrid Michaelson is one of my favorite female singers, Fleetwood Mac are legends, I used to listen to Fiona Apple a lot. Then there are Sara Bareilles, Amy Winehouse, Anna Kendrick, and Alabama Shakes, who I've at least heard of, if not heard. Plus, as noted, Adele and Beyonce.
Other than the Adele and Beyonce songs, I have really grown to like many of these songs a lot. I think my favorite so far on this album is a song called "Wild" by Royal Teeth. The Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson songs are also exceptional, these three songs creating a great start to the album.
The envelope for this CD had three quotes instead of one, all of which I like a lot. They are all from Cheryl Strayed.
"Hello, fear. Thank you for being here. You're my indication that I'm doing what I need to do."
"What's on the other side of the tiny gigantic revolution in which you move from loathing to loving your own skin? What fruits would that particular liberation bear?"
"You don't have to be young. You don't have to be thin. You don't have to be 'hot' in a way that some dumfuckedly narrow mindset has construed that word... You have to find a way to inhabit your body while enacting your deepest desires. You have to be brave enough to build the intimacy you deserve. You have to take all of your clothes off and say, I'm right here."
I have to say it again. I am so grateful Ell and I have become friends. It's so nice when someone "gets" me. The only other people I feel get me as much are Tracy, Shannon, and my friend Amanda from work. Other people try, and I will always be thankful for that. These four, though, excel.
Title from "Afterlife" by Ingrid Michaelson (This is another amazing video you should definitely check out)
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