“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.” - Sir Winston Churchill.
I finished group therapy yesterday. It surprises yet delights me how much I'll miss it, since I had such a negative outlook going in.
I'll begin the next stage of this healing process Monday when I go to work for the first time in two months. There's a lot of anxiety building, but I have enough of a support system now that I don't have to rely upon only two or three people when I need help. It's better for them, so I don't burn them out. It's also better for me, so I can get differing points of view on issues. So, win-win!!
I've been seeing a therapist since I got out of the hospital, and she's incredible. So much so that last week, for just our fifth session, I felt comfortable enough to go to the appointment in a dress. Left the house in it, without covering it with jeans, as I'd done the week before, when I wore it to group. I've rarely, if ever, been more proud of myself.
Since leaving the hospital, I haven't had a single good day home by myself. Every single one has had some sort of incident take place where I've freaked out. Today, that finally changed. The kids and the basement dwelling troll are home, and the wife is on the way. I finally had a day alone without a meltdown.
Goodnight, friends. Just wanted to do a quick post since it's been a week since I last posted
21 January 2016
13 January 2016
You And Me, We Got This You And Me, We're Beautiful
It's my goal to have this blog become not only more forward thinking, but also more positive. Also, in case you've missed it, I've changed the title and headers for the overall blog. Far more fitting I think.
Last Monday, my friend Ell (the lovely doll formerly known as the woman from Pennsylvania) had her last day at group. It was a super sad day for me because speaking to her was my favorite part of group every day, even if we only spoke a few moments.
I don't know why it became so pressing for me out of nowhere, but the weekend before she left I decided it was extremely important to have her see me in a dress in person before she left. So her last day in group, I wore my new blue dress, a blue bra, black tights, and red panties to group, under my jeans and t-shirt. She, being the sweet compassionate woman she is, offered to wear a dress as well, to help me feel comfortable.
After group, we went to some restrooms down the hall. She changed first, and then I stepped into the men's room, stripped off the jeans and t-shirt, and together we walked out of the hospital in dresses. It was easily one of the proudest moments of my life, and I was so happy to be sharing it with Ell.
In addition to helping me find the courage to be in a dress in public, Ell also gave me several other gifts. She gave me two lipsticks - one a beautiful burgundy that is going to look amazing with my gray dress and burgundy and black knee socks, the other a vibrant gorgeous Fuck Me red. She also gave me four CDs, which are what the rest of this post will focus on.
First, the packaging. Ell didn't have any empty CD sleeves available, so she made some out of paper. Very few gifts have ever been as touching. On each envelope, instead of writing the tracks on the discs, she wrote beautiful quotes, every one of which has touched me in its own way. The tracks are listed on an index card inside the envelopes.
The first two CDs came together. They are two discs of Yo-Yo Ma performing Bach cello suites. I had mentioned in a conversation about a week previously that I enjoyed the cello very much, and here were two albums worth of cello. Beautiful. The quote on this envelope was: "Beauty is whatever gives joy." - Edna St Vincent.
Next was an album Ell had titled, "The Way We Get By: A Progression." It is a lot of inspirational music mostly by men, and by many artists I'd never heard of. There is one track, "Anxiety Attack" by Catalina Ferro, that is excellent. I've never been big on slam poetry, and won't be changing my mind after listening to this. Yet, I thought it was excellent, and it's always the first track I skip to when I put this CD on.
Toward the end of the album is a poem set to music that is brilliant beyond description. It is called "Instructions For A Bad Day" by Shane Koyczan. If you only click on one of the links I put in any of these posts, make this one the one you click. It is absolutely amazing. I listened to it on repeat yesterday the entire 50 minute drive home from group. It's something I've also been listening to when anxiety is kicking my ass, to help me calm down.
The quote on the envelope for this CD is: "If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit." - Shane Koyczan.
The final album is entitled "She Don't Stop" and highlights female singers. On the note card that lists the songs, Ell wrote, "These might not be your type of music, but I thought you might appreciate some feminine energy." Oh, sweet woman, you have no clue how much I appreciate the feminine energy on this album. I have listened to this album at least once a day since she gave it to me, and only skip two songs. (Adele, because even though I really like her, she's so completely overplayed, and Beyonce, because I just really don't like her.)
I had heard of far more artists on this album. Ingrid Michaelson is one of my favorite female singers, Fleetwood Mac are legends, I used to listen to Fiona Apple a lot. Then there are Sara Bareilles, Amy Winehouse, Anna Kendrick, and Alabama Shakes, who I've at least heard of, if not heard. Plus, as noted, Adele and Beyonce.
Other than the Adele and Beyonce songs, I have really grown to like many of these songs a lot. I think my favorite so far on this album is a song called "Wild" by Royal Teeth. The Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson songs are also exceptional, these three songs creating a great start to the album.
The envelope for this CD had three quotes instead of one, all of which I like a lot. They are all from Cheryl Strayed.
"Hello, fear. Thank you for being here. You're my indication that I'm doing what I need to do."
"What's on the other side of the tiny gigantic revolution in which you move from loathing to loving your own skin? What fruits would that particular liberation bear?"
"You don't have to be young. You don't have to be thin. You don't have to be 'hot' in a way that some dumfuckedly narrow mindset has construed that word... You have to find a way to inhabit your body while enacting your deepest desires. You have to be brave enough to build the intimacy you deserve. You have to take all of your clothes off and say, I'm right here."
I have to say it again. I am so grateful Ell and I have become friends. It's so nice when someone "gets" me. The only other people I feel get me as much are Tracy, Shannon, and my friend Amanda from work. Other people try, and I will always be thankful for that. These four, though, excel.
Title from "Afterlife" by Ingrid Michaelson (This is another amazing video you should definitely check out)
Last Monday, my friend Ell (the lovely doll formerly known as the woman from Pennsylvania) had her last day at group. It was a super sad day for me because speaking to her was my favorite part of group every day, even if we only spoke a few moments.
I don't know why it became so pressing for me out of nowhere, but the weekend before she left I decided it was extremely important to have her see me in a dress in person before she left. So her last day in group, I wore my new blue dress, a blue bra, black tights, and red panties to group, under my jeans and t-shirt. She, being the sweet compassionate woman she is, offered to wear a dress as well, to help me feel comfortable.
After group, we went to some restrooms down the hall. She changed first, and then I stepped into the men's room, stripped off the jeans and t-shirt, and together we walked out of the hospital in dresses. It was easily one of the proudest moments of my life, and I was so happy to be sharing it with Ell.
In addition to helping me find the courage to be in a dress in public, Ell also gave me several other gifts. She gave me two lipsticks - one a beautiful burgundy that is going to look amazing with my gray dress and burgundy and black knee socks, the other a vibrant gorgeous Fuck Me red. She also gave me four CDs, which are what the rest of this post will focus on.
First, the packaging. Ell didn't have any empty CD sleeves available, so she made some out of paper. Very few gifts have ever been as touching. On each envelope, instead of writing the tracks on the discs, she wrote beautiful quotes, every one of which has touched me in its own way. The tracks are listed on an index card inside the envelopes.
The first two CDs came together. They are two discs of Yo-Yo Ma performing Bach cello suites. I had mentioned in a conversation about a week previously that I enjoyed the cello very much, and here were two albums worth of cello. Beautiful. The quote on this envelope was: "Beauty is whatever gives joy." - Edna St Vincent.
Next was an album Ell had titled, "The Way We Get By: A Progression." It is a lot of inspirational music mostly by men, and by many artists I'd never heard of. There is one track, "Anxiety Attack" by Catalina Ferro, that is excellent. I've never been big on slam poetry, and won't be changing my mind after listening to this. Yet, I thought it was excellent, and it's always the first track I skip to when I put this CD on.
Toward the end of the album is a poem set to music that is brilliant beyond description. It is called "Instructions For A Bad Day" by Shane Koyczan. If you only click on one of the links I put in any of these posts, make this one the one you click. It is absolutely amazing. I listened to it on repeat yesterday the entire 50 minute drive home from group. It's something I've also been listening to when anxiety is kicking my ass, to help me calm down.
The quote on the envelope for this CD is: "If you can't see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there's something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit." - Shane Koyczan.
The final album is entitled "She Don't Stop" and highlights female singers. On the note card that lists the songs, Ell wrote, "These might not be your type of music, but I thought you might appreciate some feminine energy." Oh, sweet woman, you have no clue how much I appreciate the feminine energy on this album. I have listened to this album at least once a day since she gave it to me, and only skip two songs. (Adele, because even though I really like her, she's so completely overplayed, and Beyonce, because I just really don't like her.)
I had heard of far more artists on this album. Ingrid Michaelson is one of my favorite female singers, Fleetwood Mac are legends, I used to listen to Fiona Apple a lot. Then there are Sara Bareilles, Amy Winehouse, Anna Kendrick, and Alabama Shakes, who I've at least heard of, if not heard. Plus, as noted, Adele and Beyonce.
Other than the Adele and Beyonce songs, I have really grown to like many of these songs a lot. I think my favorite so far on this album is a song called "Wild" by Royal Teeth. The Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson songs are also exceptional, these three songs creating a great start to the album.
The envelope for this CD had three quotes instead of one, all of which I like a lot. They are all from Cheryl Strayed.
"Hello, fear. Thank you for being here. You're my indication that I'm doing what I need to do."
"What's on the other side of the tiny gigantic revolution in which you move from loathing to loving your own skin? What fruits would that particular liberation bear?"
"You don't have to be young. You don't have to be thin. You don't have to be 'hot' in a way that some dumfuckedly narrow mindset has construed that word... You have to find a way to inhabit your body while enacting your deepest desires. You have to be brave enough to build the intimacy you deserve. You have to take all of your clothes off and say, I'm right here."
I have to say it again. I am so grateful Ell and I have become friends. It's so nice when someone "gets" me. The only other people I feel get me as much are Tracy, Shannon, and my friend Amanda from work. Other people try, and I will always be thankful for that. These four, though, excel.
Title from "Afterlife" by Ingrid Michaelson (This is another amazing video you should definitely check out)
07 January 2016
A Letter.
I've written hundreds of thousands of words in my lifetime. None of them were as important as the ones below. It's the thing I'm most proud of writing, and I feel like I'm finally in a position where I'm comfortable sharing it. This is what I wrote to the Ohio Parole Board when Mark was up for parole in 2014.
Members Of the Parole Review Board,
My name is ______________, and I am writing regarding the parole hearing of inmate _______, Mark ______.
I first became a victim of Mr ______ in 1989, when I was 14 years old. For the next four years, I was subjected to continuous sexual and physical abuse, and emotional manipulation. For four long years I allowed myself to be tormented by this monster.
Mr ______could argue that I willingly moved in with him after I turned 18. He would be accurate in that argument, to an extent. The closest thing I know of to compare my situation to is the Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know if it's the correct comparison, but it's all I know.
The truth is, I was deathly afraid of Mr ______. He repeatedly warned me during the course of the four years he abused me that if I ever left him, or ever reported him to the authorities, he would hurt me in ways I couldn't imagine.
It is because of this fear, this intimidation, that I was too afraid to testify against Mr ______ when he was finally arrested.
For twenty years I have regretted that decision.
Through countless hours of counseling, hundreds of dollars spent on antidepressants and antianxiety medications, and a failed suicide attempt, I feel like I have suffered enough. The emotional damage that would be done to me if Mr ______ were to be released would be immeasurable.
Mr ______ abused and molested me in a very calculated and strategic manner. His planned evil behaviors were not impulsive acts. It is clear he thoughtfully and carefully strategized how, when, and where he would assault his victims. During the four years Mr ______ abused me, he told me in an almost bragging manner about people he abused before me and during the same time period as me. I am aware of the numerous lives he severely impacted, including several mentally and/or physically handicapped students who had the misfortune of riding the bus Mr ______ drove when working as a bus driver for the _________ school district. He habitually sought victims who he deemed weak, such as myself, or those who had no way of telling on him, such as the unfortunate handicapped children.
Mr ______'s actions and choices speak to the core of his character: devious, self-serving, fraudulently manipulative - essentially, a psychopath.
I am aware Mr ______ was sentenced to a maximum of fifty years of incarceration. If justice is to be served to myself and the numerous other vulnerable victims, I plead that Mr ______ serve his full fifty years sentence. Releasing him earlier would not only be an injustice to all of his victims, it would also put potential new victims in harms way. While sexual offender monitoring has certainly improved in the past twenty years, a calculated sub-human of Mr _____'s make up will never allow others around him to be safe. He WILL find a way to beat the system, I assure you.
I respectfully request the State Board of Parole deny Mr ______ his current and any future bids for freedom and that he be held fully accountable for his crimes. The 25 years I have had to live with the issues that stemmed from being his victim have not been enough time for me to heal. Twenty years in prison cannot have been enough time for a serial child molester to make amends for one victim. Let alone the countless victims this monster victimized.
I thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope I have been able to provide insight in this matter.
Thank you,
________
Members Of the Parole Review Board,
My name is ______________, and I am writing regarding the parole hearing of inmate _______, Mark ______.
I first became a victim of Mr ______ in 1989, when I was 14 years old. For the next four years, I was subjected to continuous sexual and physical abuse, and emotional manipulation. For four long years I allowed myself to be tormented by this monster.
Mr ______could argue that I willingly moved in with him after I turned 18. He would be accurate in that argument, to an extent. The closest thing I know of to compare my situation to is the Stockholm Syndrome. I don't know if it's the correct comparison, but it's all I know.
The truth is, I was deathly afraid of Mr ______. He repeatedly warned me during the course of the four years he abused me that if I ever left him, or ever reported him to the authorities, he would hurt me in ways I couldn't imagine.
It is because of this fear, this intimidation, that I was too afraid to testify against Mr ______ when he was finally arrested.
For twenty years I have regretted that decision.
Through countless hours of counseling, hundreds of dollars spent on antidepressants and antianxiety medications, and a failed suicide attempt, I feel like I have suffered enough. The emotional damage that would be done to me if Mr ______ were to be released would be immeasurable.
Mr ______ abused and molested me in a very calculated and strategic manner. His planned evil behaviors were not impulsive acts. It is clear he thoughtfully and carefully strategized how, when, and where he would assault his victims. During the four years Mr ______ abused me, he told me in an almost bragging manner about people he abused before me and during the same time period as me. I am aware of the numerous lives he severely impacted, including several mentally and/or physically handicapped students who had the misfortune of riding the bus Mr ______ drove when working as a bus driver for the _________ school district. He habitually sought victims who he deemed weak, such as myself, or those who had no way of telling on him, such as the unfortunate handicapped children.
Mr ______'s actions and choices speak to the core of his character: devious, self-serving, fraudulently manipulative - essentially, a psychopath.
I am aware Mr ______ was sentenced to a maximum of fifty years of incarceration. If justice is to be served to myself and the numerous other vulnerable victims, I plead that Mr ______ serve his full fifty years sentence. Releasing him earlier would not only be an injustice to all of his victims, it would also put potential new victims in harms way. While sexual offender monitoring has certainly improved in the past twenty years, a calculated sub-human of Mr _____'s make up will never allow others around him to be safe. He WILL find a way to beat the system, I assure you.
I respectfully request the State Board of Parole deny Mr ______ his current and any future bids for freedom and that he be held fully accountable for his crimes. The 25 years I have had to live with the issues that stemmed from being his victim have not been enough time for me to heal. Twenty years in prison cannot have been enough time for a serial child molester to make amends for one victim. Let alone the countless victims this monster victimized.
I thank you for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope I have been able to provide insight in this matter.
Thank you,
________
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