Gave Up Trying To Figure It Out

I shouldn't have given up on this blog. So, I'm back.

I became a complete hypocrite tonight.

I have been keeping my phone locked for over a year now because I was always getting pissed when the wife would go through my phone. It always felt like a complete invasion of privacy and it made us both trust the other less.

Tonight I went through her phone, and the texts I read between her and the boyfriend...

They completely broke my heart. It hurt so bad. I don't know what the fuck I expected. It wasn't that, though.

Time of my heart's official death: 12:28am.

A Year In The Life

One year ago, at this very moment, I was curled up in a ball on a flat, thin, uncomfortable hospital mattress, sobbing as quietly as I could while I tried to accept my surroundings. It was the lowest point of the lowest year of my life, a year I've pretended I can't remember anything about, when in reality there's so much I can't forget.

The past 366 days have been among the best of my life. I won't pretend I haven't had bad days the past year. Of course I have. So have you. For the first time in my life, though, I'm handling the bad days. I'm not dwelling on those things I can't control. I'm not letting one minor incident ruin my mood for hours, or days, or weeks, as I've done in the past.

For the first time in so long, I can honestly say I'm happy. I'm working on myself every minute of every day, trying to be the best version of me there is. Because, let's face it, the old version really wasn't a whole lot of fun to be around. Thank you to those who put up with that shit. I owe you so much.

So, where do I go from here?

Well, for one thing, I'm going to go on an extended hiatus from this blog. I know I've been inconsistent updating it anyway, but I'm formally departing for the time being. Perhaps permanently, at least from this specific blog, we'll see.

Second, the choir I joined has been so much fun, and just what I needed - something to look forward to every week. I'll definitely be continuing that.

Other than that, I really don't know what I'll be doing. I've started painting again, kind of. Maybe I'll get more serious with that. I've also been learning Irish and brushing up on Spanish, and have been having a really good time doing that, as well.

Time to go, my dears.

Hopefully the next year is better than this one has been. That's a lot to ask for, but it would be amazing.

Emily out.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

When my wife and I had been dating less than a year, we were put in a position where we ended up taking in her youngest sibling, her sister Kayla. That was an insane first year of our relationship - we met in February, moved in together in June, got engaged on the wife's birthday in November, and a week later suddenly had a 15 year old girl to take care of. Kayla lived with us for about a year and a half, and it was certainly an adventure.

About four years ago, Kayla told me that when she gets married, she wants me to walk her down the aisle. Her dad (different dad than Holley) is not in her life at all, and I naturally expected her to ask one of her brothers. I was completely floored when she said she wanted me to do it, and beyond flattered.

Fast forward a few years.

When I went into the hospital last year, Kayla spent most of that weekend here with Holley, trying to help any way she could, and Holley ended up telling Kayla about everything that was going on with me, from the depression to being molested to the suicidal thoughts and behaviors and finally the gender identity issues.

Kayla has turned into one of my biggest allies, being far more supportive than even Holley. She was the one who did my makeup a few weeks after I got out of the hospital, gave me a bunch of makeup, and gave me my tutu. I know that any time I am feeling shitty, I can text her and she'll do whatever I need. Usually I just need someone to listen to me vent, and she's great at that, doesn't try to dominate the conversation or change my mind. She just listens.

Labor Day weekend, while Holley was camping in southern Ohio, I went to visit Kayla. We were in her bedroom chatting, and I told her one of the only negatives to eventually completely transitioning is that I wouldn't be able to walk her down the aisle.

We were at a wedding tonight for a girl Kayla went to high school with, and who spent a lot of time at our house when Kayla lived with us.

Toward the end of the night, Kayla pulled me aside, and said, "I don't give a shit how you look, I still want you to walk me down the aisle."

I honestly don't know how I held back the tears.

Words

I am now 13 days into hormone therapy. Estrogen and spironolactone coursing through my veins.

I wish I was happier about it, but I've been so trapped in my own head thinking about other things that I'm not letting myself enjoy the highs and work through the lows, although the current low is hard to ignore - a massive headache that's going on its forth day.

I wish I could let the muffled voice in my head shout as loud as it's trying to, and let the happiness that's inside there show.

Spoiler: I can't let myself be happy. It's apparently not my style.

Stop

I've been feeling so good lately. Happy, even, more often than not.

Then there are days like today.

Days when nothing feels right, mentally or physically.

I just wish it would end, already. I can't take this shit.

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

My wife has, on several recent occasions, made me doubt my desire to transition. One of these occasions was when we were on vacation, in Ocean Isle Beach, NC. We were at the beach, and she asked if transitioning is what I really want, or if my therapist put it in my head over the past few months.

She got in my head so bad that for three days, all I thought about was what she said.  it was infuriating, and confusing, and troubling.

Finally, two nights before we left to come home, I just walked away.

I walked over to the ocean at 11:30 at night. No light, no companions. Just me, a blanket, a billion stars, and the sound of the surf.

And, of course, my thoughts.

8 months ago, there is no way I could have laid on an empty beach, in the middle of the night, alone with my thoughts. I would've been much too afraid of myself.

This might be obvious, but as I stared into the stars for over an hour, having a hundred internal conversations, I realized that I don't want to transition.

I need to transition.

Every nerve in my body, every thought in my head that night told me this is the right decision. I've never had more clarity in a subject in my life.

Now, I just get to wait. And wait. And wait.

Ugh

Lately something very strange has been happening. Every time I come here to write a post, my mind goes blank. I'll have something specific I want to write about, but as soon as I open the page, completely gone. It's very disheartening.

Hopefully soon I'll be able to write again.