Paranoia and Other Madness

A wise woman has told me repeatedly that I need to quit telling myself stories. In other words, I need to stop assuming things and imagining problems that don't actually exist. I also need to stop being so insanely fucking paranoid.

I think that's my biggest issue right now - paranoia is starting to affect far too many aspects of my life. I feel like things are my fault even when I have absolutely nothing to do with them. I've also fallen into a vicious cycle of feeling like people are out to get me.

The bad thing is, not all of my paranoia turns out to be unfounded. For instance, another person at work who I trusted enough to confide in regarding cross dressing has decided to break that trust. She told another woman we work with, and that woman, in turn, directly approached me about it.

It's making me feel, yet again, like I should have never opened myself to anybody. I don't know who I can trust anymore, or who I should have trusted to begin with.

I've often said I'm not a great judge of character. It's been especially true with people I work with - not just at my current job, but nearly every job I've had. Often times I trust people I shouldn't, I dislike people that most people like, things of that nature.

I've kind of gotten off track a bit.

Back to the coworker who exposed my secret...

This was the first time I was actually not extremely upset about someone telling someone else about my cross dressing tendencies. I was a bit unhappy, yes, because while I do talk about it openly to those I've shared that information with, and speak about it very openly (yet essentially anonymously) in this blog, it still felt like a bit of a slap in the face when this woman came up to me Monday and said, "I know your secret..."

My initial instinct was to flat out deny everything, especially when she said the woman who told her was drunk at the time. Then I felt myself becoming extremely pissed off. For once, though, I was able to fend off the anger very quickly, for two reasons. First, like I said in an earlier post apologizing to someone else, it feels hypocritical of me to write about all this stuff on this blog, so I can sort out my feelings, yet expect people I dump all this on to not need to talk to others to sort out their own feelings. Second, the woman who approached me Monday is someone I would have eventually told anyway, I think. At the very least, I'm not ashamed she knows, so that's a good thing.

Sorry for the dreadfully long post. I've just had a lot on my mind and no time to write. My next post will be a short story I'm working on. It's being written using one of my favorite techniques, where someone gives me three random items, and I have to include each of them in the story. Not the most sophisticated of writing prompts, but it's fun.

No fancy quote for the title. Sorry.