There Is A Pleasure Sure, In Being Mad, Which None But Madmen Know

It's going to take a while for these meds to kick in. I understand and accept that. What I don't understand, what I don't accept, are the side effects I've been dealing with since I went back on them. The brain fog thing I kind of get. Brain chemistry is being altered, so it's bound to cause some lack of clarity. At least that is starting to ease up a bit, and I feel like I'm able to put together full thoughts a bit more frequently.

The Wellbutrin is putting me to sleep, which I simply cannot tolerate. I am supposed to take it in the morning, so naturally I'd expect it to not make me drowsy. Last time I was on it it certainly didn't have that effect. Yet nearly every morning I'm coming extremely close to falling asleep while driving down the highway at a more or less steady 72 mph. So now I take it in my car once I arrive at the parking garage and hope I can stay awake all day.

The side effect that I'm really having trouble with, though, is actually affecting my behavior. The two meds I'm on... One is an antidepressant, the other an antipsychotic. You would think they would keep me from flipping out. Yet it is at the point I'm honestly worried I may put my job and/or my marriage in jeopardy, because small things are suddenly bothering me very much and making me really angry, and things that in the past would have normally made me angry are putting me in a state of rage that I can hardly control. I'm having meltdowns the likes of which I've never had at any point in my life, and it's scaring the living shit out of me.

I don't go back to my shrink until November 3rd. I'm trying to find other outlets for all my emotions, because I've felt way too unfocused to write, as evidenced by the rambling turns I took in the post about my grandparents.

This is the first time I've ever been afraid for myself without it being related to suicidal thoughts. I don't know how else to explain it.

I'm losing my mind.

Title is from The Spanish Friar by John Dryden.