My heart is a mess right now. I'm so madly in love, but it's not at the right time. It's definitely the right woman, just the wrong time. Of course... There's nothing saying that she would ever feel the same.
I know my heart is all over the place. It's something I've always had to deal with. I've always gotten crushes on women very easily. But this one is different. This one is full on undeniable caps lock bold italics underscore LOVE, which has only happened once before, and neither time was with my wife. Yes, I love her, but I don't LOVE her the way I should.
I've spent almost two hours crying and cannot stop. I've been shaking uncontrollably. I don't know what I expected in return by telling her how I feel. It's not like I was expecting her to say, "I feel the same! Leave your wife and move to ________ and we'll be together forever!" It would've been asinine to think that. I honestly wasn't even expecting the "I feel the same" part. So why am I so god damned crushed that it didn't happen?
I hate that I'm so unstable right now that I've put myself in this position. I hate having a heart. I hate that the only two women I've ever truly loved are my two best friends and that I'll never be lucky enough to be with either. Even if I were to divorce, one is married, and the other is on the verge of beginning a new relationship after having her heart broken. And who's to say either of them would want to be in a relationship with my ass while I'm dealing with all.... this. This mess of a person that I am.
I'm just so grateful that she dealt with my absurdity kindly and graciously. I'll never stop loving her, but that's my burden to bear, not hers.
Title: Psychedelic Furs, "Heartbreak Beat"
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