I Will Sing, Sing A New Song.

I turned 40 today. I haven't dealt with it well at all. I've never had an issue with a birthday before, but this one is kicking my ass, for two reasons.

First, I've been forced to come to terms with the fact that I will never achieve one of my biggest lifelong goals. Ever since I was 14 I wanted to be a high school teacher, either English or Spanish. That's never going to happen. Yes, I could still teach at a pharmacy tech school, or do after school programs or something, but it isn't the same.

The other reason 40 has bothered the piss out of me is that I'm so utterly confused about who I am. I've been cross dressing for a few years now, and over the past six months or so it has gone from just wearing panties to wearing my wife's dresses and stockings and lingerie when nobody else is home. I'm almost positive I'm straight, but every once in a while I'll think a guy is cute and wonder what it would be like to hook up with him. I'm also at the point where I would almost prefer to become a woman. Or, at least, mostly. I don't think I could ever give up my penis, because, well, it's a nice one.

I've gotten much more comfortable talking about some of this stuff lately, but not to the "right " people. Instead of discussing these feelings with my wife and/or a therapist, I've burdened a couple friends and two managers at work with the task of dealing with my crazy ass. Extremely unfair to them.

So what good has come from four decades on this planet? Let's recap:

Married to a pretty great chick. Two healthy, intelligent sons. A healthy relationship with both parents and both siblings (not something that many of my friends can say). A job that I am really fucking good at, regardless of what some of the assholes I work with think. A college degree. A roof over my family's head, two cars to get everyone where they need to be, and food in their stomachs. And some really excellent friends who I could not imagine my life without.

Yes, some really shitty stuff has happened in my life, but right now, for this little bit of time, at least, I am just trying to focus on the positive. Because lately I've lost track of the positive in a massive way, and it is exhausting being so sad all the time.

Title today is from lyrics in the song "40" by U2.