I rarely write when I drink, and for good reason. I'm a god damn mess right now.
I need to retract what I said in an earlier post. I do NOT need to block everyone out. Just because certain people make me feel like they could not possibly give two fucks about the way I feel doesn't mean I need to push away those who actually do care. So Stephanie and Rachel, I apologize. I regret telling the two of you that I don't need to talk to you because - shocker - I need you more than ever. It's not your fault that other people have made me feel like complete shit, and I apologize for you getting caught in the crossfire.
There really aren't too many people I feel I can count on any more. Steph, Rachel, Sam, Shannon, and Maninder are probably it. And here's my dumb ass, pushing away most of you. Why? Because a couple people NOT in that group made me feel small. Made me feel worthless. Put me in my place, in the grand scheme of things.
I hate that I let people make me feel that way. Fucking hate it with a passion.
Quick question... For those of you who read this... If we were to talk about some really personal shit, would you proceed to talk to your spouse/significant other about things which were illicitly stated to not go beyond our conversation?
I rarely ever talk to my wife about people from work. I definitely never tell her other people's personal business. Yet I've been told to my face that someone I confided in told her husband all about my shit.
I can't even explain right now how that made me feel. The first words that come to mind are: Hurt. Small. Stupid. Crushed. Betrayed. Unimportant.
I get it. I'm dealing with some difficult stuff that's hard for other people to wrap their heads around, or which might make them feel uncomfortable. But guess what? If you think it's hard for you, TRY FUCKING BEING ME FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!!!
The only thing that is keeping me from being absolutely destroyed right now is the fact that, yes, it was unfair for me to just unload all my problems on her shoulders. But at the same time... I obviously only spoke to her because I trusted her. To have her tell me point blank that she broke that trust... I don't know if I'll ever get over that. Because she was probably the person I trusted more than anyone, to be honest.
Bad judgment on my part.
I know being drunk isn't helping my mood right now but hey, at least I'm being honest with myself (and you) at the moment.
Title/subtitle are a quote from Lady Gaga.
I need to retract what I said in an earlier post. I do NOT need to block everyone out. Just because certain people make me feel like they could not possibly give two fucks about the way I feel doesn't mean I need to push away those who actually do care. So Stephanie and Rachel, I apologize. I regret telling the two of you that I don't need to talk to you because - shocker - I need you more than ever. It's not your fault that other people have made me feel like complete shit, and I apologize for you getting caught in the crossfire.
There really aren't too many people I feel I can count on any more. Steph, Rachel, Sam, Shannon, and Maninder are probably it. And here's my dumb ass, pushing away most of you. Why? Because a couple people NOT in that group made me feel small. Made me feel worthless. Put me in my place, in the grand scheme of things.
I hate that I let people make me feel that way. Fucking hate it with a passion.
Quick question... For those of you who read this... If we were to talk about some really personal shit, would you proceed to talk to your spouse/significant other about things which were illicitly stated to not go beyond our conversation?
I rarely ever talk to my wife about people from work. I definitely never tell her other people's personal business. Yet I've been told to my face that someone I confided in told her husband all about my shit.
I can't even explain right now how that made me feel. The first words that come to mind are: Hurt. Small. Stupid. Crushed. Betrayed. Unimportant.
I get it. I'm dealing with some difficult stuff that's hard for other people to wrap their heads around, or which might make them feel uncomfortable. But guess what? If you think it's hard for you, TRY FUCKING BEING ME FOR FIVE MINUTES!!!!!
The only thing that is keeping me from being absolutely destroyed right now is the fact that, yes, it was unfair for me to just unload all my problems on her shoulders. But at the same time... I obviously only spoke to her because I trusted her. To have her tell me point blank that she broke that trust... I don't know if I'll ever get over that. Because she was probably the person I trusted more than anyone, to be honest.
Bad judgment on my part.
I know being drunk isn't helping my mood right now but hey, at least I'm being honest with myself (and you) at the moment.
Title/subtitle are a quote from Lady Gaga.
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