She Can Both False And Friendly Be

I know a maiden fair to see

I am the type of person to trust way too easily. It has come back to bite me in the ass more than a few times, yet I've not learned my lesson. A "friend" at work broke my trust twice, and honestly, I am now at the point where if she and I never speak to each other again I will be perfectly fine with that.


The first time she broke my trust was actually over a year ago, but I just found out about it about two weeks ago. At one point when I was still relatively new at my job, I mentioned to this "friend" how when one woman at work wears a certain outfit, her breasts look absolutely amazing.  She decided it would be in everyone's best interest if she told the woman what I said, and did so before the end of that day. She claimed that she didn't tell the woman who said it, just that it was one of the guys. Several weeks ago I was having a conversation with this woman, and decided I needed to come clean. It was kind of gnawing at my conscience because the two of us have become very close over the past year and she has helped me through some extremely rough patches, so I felt it would be respectful to apologize and admit I was the one who complimented her boobs.

Fun fact: When someone says, "Oh yeah, she told me you said it," my face turns a pretty spectacular shade of pissed off purple-red.

I guess I deserved being told on for that one. Especially considering who the woman is that I said this about. But still... personally I know that if this same "friend" came up to me and said "so and so is really cute" or "this guy has a really nice body" or anything like that then yeah, I would keep my fucking mouth shut and not go straight to them selling her out. Not my style.

She gives a side-glance and looks down

The second time this same "friend" betrayed my trust was much more recently. I was chatting with a different friend on Trivia Crack about some of the things I've been going through lately, which up until I started this blog this week, very few people knew about. This friend asked me a question that I had to take some time to consider the answer to, and when I replied I sent my answer to the wrong person, basically describing my cross dressing and how I'm unsure about if I'm attracted to men. It was extremely embarrassing, and there were only two people I wanted to discuss this with. I told the "friend" what happened, and was honestly surprised by her response. Basically she made me feel stupid for even worrying about it and was very dismissive toward my feelings and concerns. The next day I saw the other person I wanted to discuss it with, and she told me the "friend" had already told her. I think I hid how truly angry I was somewhat well, but I honestly can't remember many times where I've been as completely enraged as I was. At one point during the day I went into a bathroom, locked the door, and just started yelling obscenities and kicking the wall.

My biggest question is, who else has she told? Did she tell another woman at work how I've said she has an extremely wonderful ass on several occasions? Who else at work is now aware of what I'm going through? The second friend says the "friend" only told her because she was concerned, but I'm not sure I agree with that since the "friend" was so dismissive and condescending when I spoke to her originally. If she was so concerned, where was that concern when we actually spoke? Oh, that's right, it didn't exist.

It is a fool's-cap for thee to wear

In the end, honestly, the fault lies with me for trusting this "friend" in the first place.  I should have picked up on the signs of the way she gossips. She has told me about other people's secrets, yet I was a a dumb ass and thought, "Well, she wouldn't do that to me, so it's OK if I tell her." Wrong. So wrong.

My biggest question now is what else she has told other people I've said? I suddenly feel like I have to be very concerned about who knows my shit, when before I was comfortable in the knowledge that only a select handful of people knew any of the really private things about me. Now, any of the nearly 200 people in our department could know my shit, and in all honesty that petrifies me.

I would never do that to somebody. I think that is what hurts the most. This "friend" has even told me some very personal secrets that I have never discussed with anyone, even the other people in what was our little circle of friends, even when I knew they knew about it. Because I don't know - and don't want to know - how much she has told them, compared to me, or if she's even discussed it with all of us or only one or two of us. It's none of my business, because those conversations, I feel, were just between us and should stay just between us.

Of course I have had my moments of weakness where I have talked about things people have told me. I am not trying to say I've never discussed a conversation with someone else. But when someone says "this is just between us" or some variant thereof, guess what? IT FUCKING STAYS JUST BETWEEN US!!!!! Even if it's only implied that the conversation is about personal things that others shouldn't know about, I don't discuss it with anyone else. Hell even if it's not implied, but I just have some kind of gut feeling, then it fucking stays between us!

Maybe I just expect too much from people. And I know I trust people too easily. Hopefully I can break that habit and only trust people when they deserve it. One thing for sure, as I said, is that if this "friend" and I never speak again, it'll be no skin off my ass.

Title and quotes in bold and red on today's post are from the poem Beware! by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow